(# Fanfare plays)
- This is so beautiful. - You know it, Gary.
Look at her.
- Do you know what I would like to do? - Shower with them.
Then... bang. We hit the city, baby. Dead on.
Little drinks, little night life, little dancing.
- Dancing. - We throw a huge party. Huge party!
Everybody's invited. Women everywhere.
All these girls, they're all there.
- Naked bodies everywhere... - Gary. Gary!
- What? - Nobody likes us. Nobody.
Why are you messing with the fantasy?
We know about the reality. Don't ruin the fantasy, OK?
(Gary) And then, we're hip, man. We're popular. We're revered.
We're studs.
When the smoke clears, right...
...those two dames
fall amazingly, completely and totally in love with us, Wyatt.
(Gary) Check it out.
(Voices bellow) Yo! Check us out.
(Pounding heartbeat)
Look, we're sorry about...
(# OINGO BOINGO: "Weird Science")
# She's alive!
# Alive! Weird science!
# Weird
# Ooh!
# Weird science
# Plastic tubes and pots and pans
# Bits and pieces And magic from the hand
# We're makin' Weird science! Ooh!
# Things I've never seen before
# Behind bolted doors Talent and imagination
# My creation!
# Is it real?
# It's my creation!
# I do not know
# No hesitation
# No heart of gold
# Just flesh and blood
# I do not know I do not know
# From my heart and from my hand
# Why don't people understand
# My intentions
# Ooh ooh ooh! Weird science! Ooh!
# Ooh!
# Weird science
# Things I've never seen before
# Behind bolted doors
# Weird science
# Bits and pieces And bits and pieces
# Science Weird... #
(TV) 'His insane ambition to create life... '
- Where did your parents go? - (Wyatt) Cincinnati.
To meet the guy that my sister wants to marry.
Chloe. Who the hell would marry Chloe?
He's studying to be a vet.
Try not to make a mess. The maid doesn't come until Monday.
How come your parents suddenly trust you? They never let you do shit.
Chet's home from college. They trust him. He's in charge.
Chet? Oh, shit! I can't believe this.
I really wish you'd told me that before I agreed to sleep over.
- How do you put up with him? - If I don't he beats the shit out of me.
It's a habit he got in military school.
(Gary) How do you put up with him? (Wyatt) He's very protective.
Nice relationship!
'Look, there's nothing to fear.
'Note - no blood, no decay... just a few stitches.
'Go on, fix the electrodes.
'You'll be afraid before the night's over.
'The storm will be magnificent.
'All the electrical secrets of heaven.
'This time we're ready, eh, Fritz?
'Let's have one final test. Throw the switches.
'Here in this machine, I have discovered the great ray
'that first brought life into the world.
'And look. Here's the final touch.
'The brain you stole, Fritz.
'Think of it. The brain of a dead man
'waiting to live again in a body I made with my own hands.
- That's not a bad idea. - (Wyatt) What?
Making a girl.
Actually making a girl.
Just like Frankenstein...
...except cuter.
- You're serious? - Yes.
Look me in the eyes. Do I look serious?
- (Fritz) 'You're crazy! ' - 'We'll see whether I'm crazy or not.'
Gary Wallace, that's absolutely gross. That's sick.
I'm not digging up dead girls...
No, I'm not talking about digging up a dead girl, Wyatt!
I'm talking about your computer.
(Gary) You can simulate stuff on your computer.
You know? What's the difference? Why can't we simulate a girl?
I don't know. I guess I could, but why?
It's two dimensional on the screen. It's not flesh and blood.
I know that, but we can use it. We can ask it questions.
We can put it in sexual situations. Sick, demented shit. You'd love it!
What about your girl in Canada?
She lives in Canada. The girl has no morals!
Those kind of relationships are rough.
Anyway. Get to work.
Very nice.
I told you, Wyatt. If there's one thing I know, it's female stats.
Anything bigger than a handful, you're risking a sprained thumb.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
- Perfect. - OK, now what?
Should we give her a brain?
- Yeah, we can play chess with her. - Chess?
Just give her a brain, OK.
OK, that's about all we can do with my stuff.
I can't believe this shit. I can't believe this.
- Did you get a free toaster with this? - Gary, it's smarter than you.
The problem is this is a lame idea.
It is not. Your computer is a wimp!
- We need more power than this. - What do you suggest?
(Radio chatter)
(Screams)
- We're in. - We're in trouble. This is illegal.
(Gary) We need more. We've got to fill this with data.
We've got to make her as real as possible.
I want her to live, I want her to breathe. I want her to aerobicise!
'Live. All Dave, all night.
'We know what you need. Only right here on Dave TV.'
It's moving, it's working. It's working by itself.
(lncoherent chanting)
Gary?
Why are we wearing bras on our heads?
Ceremonial.
(Thunder rumbles)
- You ready? - Yep. Let's go.
(Thunderous roar)
- Turn it off. - It is off.
(Hissing)
(Alarm rings)
(Yells) Hang up the phone!
- What's going on? - I don't know.
- Unplug it. - OK.
Oh, shit!
(Whirring)
No, it was a birthday present.
Oh, shit!
Oh, my god.
We've got to get this thing out of your house.
You get it out. It was your idea. This is all your fault.
- You get it out, you get it out. - I'll get it out!
(Creaking)
(Wyatt) Oh, shit!
One... two... three.
'She's alive. Alive! '
(English accent) So, what would you little maniacs like to do first?
You guys created me. I didn't come from anywhere.
Before you messed around with your computer, I didn't exist.
By the way, you did an excellent job, thank you.
Hello?
Showering is real fun, isn't it?
If we're going to have any fun together...
...you guys had better loosen up.
What are we going to do with her?
Look, we'll just go with the situation, OK?
I'm sure by Sunday you'll think of something. You're very bright.
- You're all right? - I'm just being practical.
I know you are and I appreciate it.
- Let's go. - What about this mess?
Clean it up tomorrow, OK?
Don't get any BO on Chet's suit or he'll kill me.
- Where are we going? - She said downtown...
Oh, my god! Whose stuff is this?
Is that your suit? Is this yours?
- Wyatt, what's going on here? - Gary, I don't know.
Gary, you look good though.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
- Did you steal this car? - No, I didn't steal the car.
How did you get it?
I can get anything I want. Right now I want a party.
- Party? - (Woman) Yeah.
- You better think up a name for me. - What name do you want?
You guys created me. You think of a name for me.
- How about Lisa? - Why Lisa?
Why not?
- He used to like a girl named Lisa. - Oh yeah? Old girlfriend?
She kicked him in the nuts!
Will you shut up.
It wasn't your fault. All you said was hello to her.
Wyatt, shut up!
Hey, guys. I like Lisa. That will do just fine.
OK, you guys ready to rock?
- Ready. - Ready.
(# Blues music plays)
(lndistinct chatter)
(Music and chatter stops abruptly)
- Lisa? - Yeah?
- I don't think we belong here. - Don't be silly. It's a public place.
(Music and chatter resumes)
Look, we'd both love to stay but we're not 21 so I think...
You're 21. You're 21.
(Lisa) Maybe you'd feel better if you got out there and mingled.
We don't mingle, OK.
Maybe you'd be more comfortable if I invited all of these people to your house
and we could all mingle there?
We'll mingle.
Hi, dudes.
(Men groan)
(Gary) Well, goddamn!
Listening to this blues music reminds me of my own trials and tribulations.
My folks really dump on me. They really do.
You guys get along with your parents?
I guess you guys moved out by now.
- What's this, sir? - Drink it.
That's very sweet of both you gentlemen, but I don't...
Until now.
See you guys in the emergency room!
(Man) Hello, pretty lady. Tell me something.
What's a beautiful broad like you doing with a malaka like this?
It's purely sexual.
No shit.
She's into malakas, Dino.
She's into malakas. Do you believe that?
You can say that again!
(# Blues music plays)
(Adopts blues singer accent) Fats, man. Let me tell you my story, man.
Last year, I was insane for this crazy little 8th grade bitch.
- Crazy insane? - Insane?
I was nuts for the woman, man.
You've gotta believe me. I'm telling the truth.
I was nuts for the girl.
What did it to me was these big titties she had.
For a 13-year-old, she wouldn't have to worry about titties for the rest of her life!
- She was set and looking good. - That's the truth, baby.
I called her every night for a month. I'm talking devotion, man.
- Every damn night? - Every night, Mitch.
(Man) On the telephone?
What's he talking about "on the telephone"?
Explain it to him.
Goddamn, we know there's a telephone.
But he hung up on her.
The chick with those big titties?
I hung up on the bitch.
Here's the capper. Do you know what the bitch did?
- Lay it on. - Listen to what she did to me.
She kneed you in the nuts and called him "faggot".
- She did what? - Bitch kneed your nuts?
Bitch kneed my nuts. I'm not playing with you.
- In the family jewels? - In the family jewels, man.
- Worst pain there is. - Broke my heart in two.
- She broke more than your heart! - Yeah, you're right there, baby.
You can forget that other one because you've got this fine jewel by you.
Ain't that the truth, baby. That's the clean truth.
There he goes!
- Party's over. - (Gary) "Party's over", said the girl.
I'm going to get out of here. I've got money for everybody.
I've got five bucks says that boy won't make it.
I really shouldn't be driving.
Listen, I appreciate it. I just don't feel like driving.
(Whines) OK, forget it. I'll drive. Give me the keys. Give me the keys!
Is he going to be all right?
I don't know. I warned him about that bourbon.
Hey, he don't even have a licence, Lisa.
I don't even have a learner's permit.
Let's scout another party, man.
What are you going to tell Chet about me?
- Nothing. - That's not very realistic, Wyatt.
I don't know. I'm just trying to concentrate on the road.
You'd better concentrate harder. You're about to run a red light.
Oh, shit!
(Gary) I hate that blues shit. I never listens to it.
- I hate this car. I hate it! - Are you OK?
My nuts are halfway up my ass but other than that, I'm perfect!
You better think what you're going to do about Chet. He's one serious idiot.
You're stewed, butt wad.
- Who me? - Know what time it is?
- 2:00? - Time to pay the fiddler.
I was counting on you to be human about this.
Here's the bottom line, Wyatt.
I'm telling Mum and Dad everything.
I'm even considering making up some shit.
All right, Chet. Name your price.
175 dollars and zero cents. Cash, new bills. Crisp and clean
in my wallet by 7:00am.
- Thank you. - Hey, what are big brothers for!
See you upstairs.
Out of the "Jungle Book".
The booze hounds return. What a joke. Hi, girls.
Feeling kind of queasy?
How about a nice greasy pork sandwich
served in a dirty ashtray?
He pukes, you die.
- He's not laughing at you, Chet. - Yes, I am.
Did he tell you about the woman we made tonight?
He doesn't know what he's talking about.
- No shit! - No shit, Chet.
You two donkey dicks couldn't get laid in a morgue.
- You are absolutely right. - Get him out of here.
What?
(Retches)
Cold-blooded shit. He's an asshole.
Anybody with a haircut like that is an asshole.
Psst! Lisa.
(Whispers) Where are you?
(Whispers) I'm right behind you.
Surprise.
I'm not going to hurt you.
Your lips feel like rigor mortis has set in.
Try and relax a little bit. I'm only kissing you.
I wasn't expecting you to kiss me. I mean, I was just...
That was better.
- Want to try it again? - If you don't mind.
Yes, please.
(Wyatt whimpers)
- You sure you're only 15? - I'll be 16 in June.
You made me.
You control me.
What are you thinking about?
Women's gymnastics.
Well, I don't know. I'll do my best!
Good.
(# MIKE OLDFIELD: "Tubular Bells")
- Wyatt, where are you? - I'm right here, Gary.
- What happened? - I think it was a dream.
- What? - Everything. Last night. Lisa.
The whole thing had to be a dream.
It can't be a dream, Wyatt. We were both in it.
How can two people have the same dream?
- There's no other explanation. - Let's analyse this.
In your dream, did I get up in the middle of the night and yak in your sink?
I didn't throw up? You didn't see anything?
Maybe it was a dream.
A very weird, bizarre, vivid,
erotic, wet, detailed dream.
- Maybe we have malaria. - Shit.
(Yells) Gary. Wyatt. Breakfast.
I don't have the bucks to pay Chet off about this.
(Chet yells) Yo, Wyatt!
You can't fear Chet for the rest of your life.
Why not? Lisa, please.
I don't know, Wyatt. I mean, it's seriously affecting your sex life.
Ten seconds into my gymnastics routine, you passed out.
You slept. I did my toes.
By the way, you're very cute.
We'll try it again some other time, OK.
- Good morning, turd brain. - Hi, Chet.
- You spit in this? - Not that I'm aware of, no.
Hey, that looks pretty good.
Now make yourself one, dickweed!
I like your panties.
- It's a joke, Chet. - That's not a joke.
That is a severe behavioural disorder. Those are women's underpants.
Next, you'll be wearing a bra on your head!
The old man's going to have a stroke on this one!
- All right, Chet. How much? - How much?
(Chet) This goes way beyond payment, pal.
Come one, Chet. Please.
Well...
Your VCR should cover it, for openers.
Thank you.
For christsakes, will you cover yourself.
Are you guys looking for something for your mum?
I really don't think so, Sue.
You guys have girlfriends?
One does really not refer to a 23-year-old woman as a girlfriend.
Mistress, lover, sexpot.
She's a sexpot, is what she is.
You guys are the ones that got beat up at the homecoming game, right?
Susan. Could you wrap up a bottle of this scent for me? I like this.
Two. And why don't you set yourself up with one.
Set yourself up. That's three scents, please.
If you were a 15-year-old boy, would these turn you on?
I think so, too. I'll take them.
Do you have a bra to match that?
Something in leather or rubber or barb wire?
Give me a break!
- Check it out. Check it out. - What?
- Five bucks? - Finsky.
Max, what are you going to do?
You know, Gary?
For the first time in my life, I don't feel like a total dick.
Yeah, me either.
- Sorry, boys. - You guys getting tired of this?
We're not, but there is a cure.
Rumour has it there's a big white sale going on.
At Towel World.
- We're not impressed. - No.
Could I have some of that, please.
I'm getting really bored of their shit.
- Do you want to dump them? - I don't know.
We have been with them for three months...
We won't go to any more parties and meet more people.
We'll go into a social coma.
- Sorry. - We're sorry.
- Want to give them another chance? - OK.
- Will you forgive us? - Please.
Oh, you guys! What are we going to do with you?
(# VAN HALEN: "Oh, Pretty Woman")
# Whoa!
# Pretty woman Walkin' down the street
# Pretty woman The kind I'd like to meet
# Pretty woman
# I don't believe you It must be true... #
Jesus. Who was that girl?
- Excuse me. - Get out of my way.
We got her, we got her.
# Pretty woman Won't you pardon me
# Pretty woman I couldn't help but see
# Pretty woman
# Oh you look lovely as you can be... #
- Hey. - Hi.
- That's lan. - This is Max.
We call him "Mad Max".
- (Max) We saw you on the escalator. - Yeah.
- You were looking at us, right? - Yeah.
- What are you doing? - Nothing. I'm waiting for my ride.
(Car horn blares)
(Yelling and screaming)
(Engine revs)
Lisa. Come on, hon. We're running late.
- (Gary) Honey. - Speak to you later.
She likes the rough stuff. What can I do, you know?
By the way, there's a party tonight at Wyatt's house.
You can find his name in the student's directory. Under Donnelly.
Pass the word around.
Party?
(Engine roars)
Don't ask.
You're going to have a heart attack by the time you're 40 if you don't relax.
You tried inversion boots?
Lisa, you don't understand my parents.
What's there to understand?
They're oppressive, meddlesome and bizarre.
They're normal parents.
Stop worrying and go and get dressed.
Lisa, I created you.
Why do you insist on doing things I don't want?
You want to party so bad you could bottle it.
You and Gary want friends, popularity, all that stuff, right?
I thought about it, sure, but...
So I'm giving it to you.
Thank you, but I don't want it in my house.
If you want to be a party animal, you have to live in the jungle.
Stop worrying and get dressed.
I'm going to go and pick up Gary.
I can't wait to meet his parents.
Do you go to Gary's school?
Do I look like I'm in high school?
No.
What it is, Dad, she's a foreign exchange student.
They have a different educational system.
You look very... mature.
Doesn't she? It's funny you say that because I was thinking the same thing.
So what do you do for a living, Al?
I'm an independent businessman.
Al... Dad. My dad's a plumber.
He's into plumbing. I guess you plumb, right Dad?
- Yeah, I think it's time to go. Ready? - Where do you think you're going?
- To a movie. - To a party.
Movie party. We're going to a movie party.
He's such a liar.
I've whipped up a soiree over at his friend Wyatt's house.
- Soirwhat? - Soiree. I think that means party.
Party.
There's going to be sex, drugs, rock 'n' roll. Chips, dips, chains, whips.
Your basic high school orgy type of thing.
I'm not talking candle wax on the nipples or witchcraft.
No, no. Just a couple of hundred kids
running around in their underwear acting like animals.
(Bellows) All right, I've heard enough!
Gary, get to your room.
No, it's OK. Just sit here. I'll take care of this.
Get the hell out of here before I throw you out.
Don't threaten me, Al.
You're out of shape. I'll kick your arse.
I'm going to make this real easy for you.
- I'm taking Gary to a party. - Over my dead body.
He's a good kid. He studies hard.
You've got no complaints. If anyone should bitch, it should be Gary.
(Lisa) You ever compliment him on his grades?
You ever compliment him on anything?
Hey. Look, Mum. Compliments embarrass me.
- Dad, you know. - Shut up!
Have you ever wondered how sad it is
that your son's only sexual outlet
is tossing off to magazines in the bathroom.
Oh, Gary!
Ma, I never tossed off to anything.
- You said you were combing your hair. - I was.
Gary, shut up.
- The water's running all day long. - Shut up.
- I've never tossed off. - You wouldn't tell your own mother.
(Yells) Shut up. Shut up!
This guy deserves a party.
I don't know who you are, what you are, or where you came from,
but I'm not taking any more of this.
Dial the police. Dial the damn police and give me the phone.
Oh. I'm going to get... but...
- Give the phone. - Well, here it is.
Jesus God. Oh, Christ.
Oh, Lord. God.
- Go ahead. - Make your day?
- I'm sorry it has to come to this. - Come to what?
Cheer up or I'll blow your face off.
Don't be such an old lady. Everything's cool.
(Yells) Everything's cool!
My dad's going to castrate me. My mother almost had a cardiac arrest.
My parents will never let me in the house.
Other than that, everything's great. It couldn't be better!
Trust me for once, will you?
They don't know what happened.
Didn't you think Gary was acting strangely this evening?
Gary? Who's Gary?
Lisa, you have to promise me that things won't get out of control.
Don't worry. You're just having a few friends over.
- I don't have any friends, Lisa. - He doesn't.
Boy ain't lying.
(Doorbell rings)
You do now.
- Hi. - Hi!
- (Man yells) Party. - (Crowd Chants) Party, party!
(# LOS LOBOS: "Don't Worry Baby")
# Standin' there by the window
# Starin' out at the night
# You've got so many troubles
# On your nervous mind
# But don't worry baby
# It's gonna work out fine
# You hear the sound of footsteps
# Stealing 'cross the floor... #
(Yelling and laughter)
- Yo. - How you doing?
- Where's the bar? - (Yells) Bar?
Do you think they will embarrass us tonight?
Yeah.
Caviar?
If Max and lan see her it is all over for us.
- How's your stomach? - It's a little better.
If you're going to float an air biscuit, let me know, OK?
Float a what?
If you're going to fart, let me know. I'll hit the fan.
I'm sorry. I suffer pan discomfort due to occasional stomach upset.
I can't believe this. I'm so disappointed in us.
We talk about how great it would be if we went to parties.
It's our party, people are having a great time, and we're in the john!
We're in the john. I can't believe this.
- You're just as uptight as I am. - Nobody can be as uptight as you.
Your middle name is tense. Wyatt "Tense Up" Donnelly.
All right, this is true. It's true.
But it's not that bad. We can hear the music.
We can dance. If we put our noses to the door, we can smell the food!
Hey, brother. What's happening, my main man?
Right on. Scotch.
- Straight up? - Nah, give me the whole bottle.
Tell you what. You bend over and I'll shove it straight up your ass!
On the rocks is fine.
Yeah, that's what I thought you were gonna say.
- There she is. - You get the drinks, I'll kill the girls.
I wonder if Lisa is having a good time.
Lisa could have a good time at an insurance seminar!
The thing that really galls me
is that she's ours and we can't get close to her.
(Wyatt) Hit the fan.
- This is the best party I've ever been to. - I know, it's great.
Do you know whose house this is?
I think it might be that girl with the English accent.
That girl doesn't have a zit on her whole body. Did you notice that?
- I know. And she has zero fat. - And she's so relaxed.
She burped and it was...
- Charming. - Yeah.
- The bathroom.
- Ladies. - Hi.
(Gary) I can't believe it. You're dropping wolf bait and there are chicks outside.
Light a match or something. Light a fire!
- Hi. - Hi.
We're sorry. We thought there were just girls in there.
It's just us dudes.
- What are you doing here? - (Wyatt) Gary was just taking a shit.
No, what I meant was...
What I meant was, what are you doing at the party?
- Oh, it's my house. - This is your party?
Yeah, we like to do this once a week.
Little get-togethers. Have you guys been by?
- How did we miss these two? - So many people, so many parties.
So many people, so many parties. You lose track.
Would you mind if I came in and checked my face?
What's wrong with your face?
- Can we come in? - Come on in.
- Yeah, be our guests. - Thanks, guys.
Come on in.
Well, we've seen you guys at school but we've never met.
- You're Hilly. - You're Deb.
- Hi, I'm Gary. - I'm Wyatt.
This is a wild crowd. I didn't know you guys had so many friends.
- Yeah, neither did we. - Neither did we.
Who's the girl with the accent? I though that this was her party...
You mean the sensuous, exotic, mature, sex symbol type?
- Yeah. - (Gary) She's with us.
She's with you guys?
Come on, Lisa. Why not?
Because I belong to Gary and Wyatt.
Belong? Did they make you in the garage?
They own you? Control you?
- (lan) Seriously? - Seriously.
They're toads.
Do I look like I'd go out with two toads?
You do. It's true.
I think Gary and Wyatt are going to force everyone to redefine their terms.
You're completely loyal to them?
I do whatever they say.
(Jingling coins)
Could you excuse us for a minute, please?
That's no problem. We'll be in here.
I think these ladies are stoked for us.
- I got that feeling myself. - Shall we go for it?
- What about Lisa? - She said party.
Let's get it on with these two, score points and go back to Lisa.
- Or score points with these two later. - Sounds good.
But I don't want to hurt Lisa's feelings.
Any girl is looking for a bone job from me.
- Ready to party down? - Ten-four.
Those guys are weird but kind of cute.
And where did you two disappear to?
- We were in the kitchen. - Bathroom.
- Peeing. - Doing our hair.
Have you met Gary and Wyatt?
- No. - Sort of.
If you get the chance, shower with them. I did.
It's a mind scrambler.
It hurts so good.
She took a shower with them.
I have a wonderful idea, Henry.
After dinner, why don't we stop by and visit with Wyatt?
I hate to think of his being alone at home tonight.
- Doesn't he have anything to read? - I don't know, dear.
But nothing's more important to a teenage boy than his grandparents.
- We'll drop by. - Oh, good.
(# KILLING JOKE: "Eighties")
# I'm living in the eighties
# Eighties... #
(Cheering and clapping)
I'd like to open up by apologising for the Icee today at the mall.
It was very immature and I'm sorry.
Well, it's was just tomfoolery.
But we are sorry.
- It happens. - Yeah.
So what's the deal with Lisa? Can we borrow her?
We can't do that guys. Common decency prohibits us. It's not cool.
She said it was cool.
We can't take advantage of her loyalty. Sorry guys.
That's really selfish. That hurts.
Forget it guys. We can't do it.
- Come on. Quit being such pricks. - Hey, come on.
Regardless of what she told you, our feelings for Lisa run very deep.
It's emotions. Heavy emotions.
Our feelings for Deb and Hilly run as deep as yours do for Lisa.
It's respect. It's the time we spent together.
A couple of guys like you deserve them.
We like your style so we want to make a deal.
You let us have a crack at Lisa and we'll let you have Deb and Hilly.
Can you guys keep a secret?
- Sure. - Secret?
- Look again. It's Gary. - No.
It's our boy. Gary. He's our 16-year-old boy!
I don't know what you're talking about, Lucy and I want you to shut up.
(Max) I feel like an asshole. This had better work.
This is just a blueprint, OK. You like it?
Bigger tits.
- Go, go! - Give them the knee shooters.
(Over radio) What the hell's going on up here?
Excuse me, Arthur.
- It's Art. - Excuse me, "Art".
(Thunder rumbles)
Oh, shit!
(Gasps)
- 'Where's Eddie? ' - 'He's working on a new project.'
- 'Another invention? ' - 'Lt's something to do with a robot.'
(Whooshing)
(Woman giggles)
- (Max yells) Turn this thing off! - You're gonna love it.
- How are you doing? - I'm shitting in my pants!
(Tinkling piano keys)
It worked.
You had to be big shots, didn't you? You had to show off.
People will like you for what you are not for what you can give them.
In your race for power and glory
you forgot one small detail.
- We forgot to hook up the doll. - You forgot to hook up the doll.
(Creaking)
(Distant yelling and laughter)
Something is going on here, Carmen.
I have a feeling we're not going to approve, Henry.
A missile. A missile!
- A missile in my house, Gary. - Yeah, this puppy's for real all right.
- It was an accident... - Accident, my ass, Gary.
My parent's are coming home, Chet's coming home.
- They're going to freak out. - They're going to shit egg rolls.
Get out. Scat.
Out. You dirty tramps.
You hoosiers!
Guys, cut that out, would you.
You ought to know better than to hit people with your Rex Harrison hat.
This is my daughter's home. Who the hell are you?
I'm a very dear, close personal friend of your grandson's.
- Henry. Call the police. - I will. I'll have you incarcerated.
Here's the deal, folks.
Gary and Wyatt created me on their computer.
I'm not going to stand here and listen to this baloney.
He won't you know. He doesn't stand for baloney.
Do you mind waiting here? I won't be a moment.
- Have you ever? - Never.
Excuse me. Wyatt, your grandparents are downstairs.
OK, thanks.
- Lisa. - Yes?
- Where are my grandparents? - Wyatt, your kitchen is blue.
- You want to try one? - Where are my grandparents?
They're all taken care of, OK.
You're gonna love this one.
- Are they all right? - They're fine.
In fact, they're better than fine. They're not ageing any more.
(Lisa) See? They're smiling.
Lisa, if any more of his relatives arrive we'll be in the bathroom, OK?
That's pretty sick.
Those guys really need some self-confidence. A challenge.
Something that will bring out their inner strength and courage.
I'm so bloody clever.
Now.
(Engine revs)
(Man laughs manically)
This Bud's for you.
(Growls)
- This party's lame. - What about the girls?
Girls, scmirls...
(Screams)
(Yells) Lisa, what's going on?
(Screams)
Gary. Gary, listen to me.
There are motorcycles in my house.
There are killer mutants in your house!
Screw the house.
Argh!
You have uninvited guests.
You better ask them to leave. They're pretty rowdy.
This is a chance for you to prove your bravery and courage.
Those are outdated concepts, all right. Excuse us.
Don't let John Wayne hear you say that.
The man is dead, Lisa. OK.
So are you if you don't deal with this situation.
(Glass shatters)
No thanks.
Gary, do you feel like a chicken?
Wyatt, if I could shoot an egg out my ass, I would.
What about all these people? Won't they think we're cowards?
I don't know. But we can deal with shame. Death is a deeper issue.
(Roaring)
(Growling)
We're going to get you guys some drinks.
You look like a scotch man. We're going to get some stuff...
Is this your party?
Well, yeah. Kind of.
I don't know if you would call it a party. It's just a few friends.
How come two unpopular dicks like you...
...is having a party?
I don't know. Unliked dicks sometimes do the weirdest things.
How would you like all your friends here to know
that you wear a bra on your head?
(Laughter)
Tossed off to any good books lately?
You two can't even take a shower
with a beautiful woman
without wearing your jeans.
(Uproarious laughter)
You. Come here.
Now!
(Growls)
(Screams)
- Prepare to die, Wyatt. - Gary, I can't wait to die.
- We are going to kick... ...ass.
OK. This is war.
Hand off the girls. Let's leave the girls out of this.
I said, hands off. Now.
(Woman giggles)
Why don't you shut up, bitch!
As for your ugly ass, let me tell you something.
You don't come into my friend's house with your faggot friends
driving all over his floors
breaking windows, stinking up the place. And you do stink.
Here's what's going to happen.
You're going to let go of the girls and apologise to all these people.
And you're gonna get on your bikes and pedal your asses out of here.
We're gentlemen, so we'll give you a choice.
Yeah, you can leave in peace...
(Growls)
Or you can stay and die.
The choice is yours.
(Shotgun shells clatter to the floor)
(Growls)
Argh!
Get outta here.
Beg your pardon. You have a lovely home.
Terribly sorry. Call me. We'll have lunch.
Can we keep this between us?
I'd hate to lose my teaching job.
God bless you.
Is everyone all right? Everyone's OK.
This is exciting. We're heroes.
These guys came in and we showed them down.
You and me, we saved all these people. We're heroes.
This could mean a guest shot on Phil Donahue.
Gary. Where the hell did you get that thing?
It's a squirt gun.
That's my boys!
Quite a weird night.
You really weren't afraid of those guys?
I was scared. But what could I do?
It's probably a good idea not to ask too many questions about tonight.
Probably.
This is a night of weird shit.
I was wondering if I could ask you something kind of strange.
Would you kiss me?
What about lan?
We all make mistakes.
- OK. - OK.
Where do you want it?
- Can I ask you a question? - Yeah.
How do you feel about Lisa?
I love her.
That's what I figured.
But...
It's definitely a different kind of love.
It's more sisterly. Big sisterly.
But she's so beautiful.
Yeah, she's really beautiful.
- And her body is gorgeous. - It's a nice figure.
So...
Then I... I mean, what would I be compared to her?
Deb. Lisa is everything I ever wanted in a girl.
Before I knew what I wanted.
I know that if I could do it again,
I'd make her just like you.
Honest.
Dead honest. You know. I'm really honest when I say that.
I'm so very honest. I mean that.
(# Military march plays)
What the hell?
That little bastard.
Don't let him have messed up my room.
If my room's OK, I won't kill him.
I'll just hurt him real bad.
(Howling wind)
Freeze.
- Chet. - Where's my brother?
I don't know.
You're dead meat, pilgrim.
Chet. Chet. That's her nose. Look, she has nothing to do with it.
OK. You die, she walks out of here with a severe limp.
I'll be back.
It's Wyatt's older brother, Chet. He's kind of an asshole.
Oh, hi, Chet.
What the hell is going on around here?
- Chet. I'm sorry. It was an accident. - An accident?
Do you realise it's snowing in my room, goddamit!
Some really weird shit happened, Chet.
You don't have to be a genius to figure that out, monkey dick.
Start talking, little man.
Gary and I were messing around with the computer Friday night.
We made a woman and she messed up the house.
- Don't smart mouth me, you little shit. - Leave him alone.
Stay out of this, bimbo. It's a family matter.
Let me find Lisa. She can explain everything. She'll clear everything up.
(Murmurs) You can have my college money. And my social security.
So, you guys think you can pull one over on me, huh? Huh?
You got everybody singing to the same bullshit story.
This isn't bullshit, it's a Pershing missile, Chip.
It's Chet. My name is Chet.
And I didn't think it was a whale's dick, honey!
(Chet belches)
Hi, Nanny. Hi, Grampy.
I'm not a moron, you know. I...
Was that my grandparents?
- Are they dead? - No. They're just resting.
- What are they doing in here? - I put them in there.
I didn't want the boys to get into trouble.
Quite frankly, they weren't having a very good time at the party.
(Chet) Not having a good time!
You think they enjoy being catatonic in a closet?
Do you have any idea how disrespectful that is?
Boy, I wouldn't give a squirt of piss for your ass now.
That's enough. You guys, get the girls home.
Wyatt, take the Porsche. Gary, you take the Ferrari.
Ferrari?
I want to be alone with Chet here.
- Good to see you again, Chet. - Get outta here.
Take your little hussies home. Their parents are probably worried sick.
Lady, I want to get to the bottom of this, ASAFP.
So do I.
First, I'd like to butter your muffin.
- Why are you such a wanker? - Because I get off on it.
I want you to promise that you will keep your big mouth shut
about everything that has happened here.
And I want you to treat Wyatt and Gary with dignity and respect.
- Oh, really? - Yeah, "Oh, really".
I can be a real serious bitch if I don't get what I want.
Hit me with your best shot.
- How fast are you going? - About 35.
(Siren blares)
- This can't be right. - Are you looking at the RPM's?
No, I'm looking at about 50 tickets!
Bye.
- Oh, my! - That was great.
You son of a bitch.
Al, that was Gary.
Who is this Gary character?
I had a really great time last night.
I'll probably be grounded for a month or so but...
I'll wait for you.
(Whimpers)
Hilly.
I love you.
All right.
- I want to thank you for a great night. - Same here.
Deb, I have kind of a confession to make.
I'm really not this cool.
That's not my car. This is not my suit.
None of those people were my friends.
Why are you telling me this?
Because I want you to like me for what I am.
Whatever you are, I like it.
I better get going. Wyatt and I still have to deal with Chet.
Quit screwing around. This isn't funny. You stupid bitch!
Careful, Chet. Don't make me angry.
Sorry.
That's better.
Would you please turn me back to normal, please?
I haven't done anything to you.
But you've done plenty to your brother.
- Like what? - Let me see...
You've nagged him, harassed him, suppressed him,
kept him in fear of you, extorted money from him...
It's done out of love.
Just for that, I ought to give you a set of elephant balls.
(Gasps)
Give me your word
that you'll leave Wyatt and Gary alone and I'll change you back.
Oh, all right. Shake on it, huh?
No thanks, I'd rather not.
Wait. Where are you going?
- I have to go and get changed. - What about me?
You'll be fine. It's takes a little while for the effect to wear off.
- Well? - I'm in love.
- It's great, isn't it? - The best.
I think things are turning around for us.
- I mean it. - OK, what about Lisa?
We'll have to talk with her.
- Do you think she'll understand? - I think so.
I mean, I sure as hell wouldn't want to date you.
You're not my type!
(Wyatt yells) Chet. Chet?
Hi, dudes.
I'm sorry, Wyatt.
I'm sorry for being such a shit to you all these years.
And I want you to know that I love you.
Cack.
- That's nasty, Wyatt. - That's Chet, Gary.
(Fly buzzing)
Oh my god.
- (Wyatt) Lisa? - In here.
- Lisa? - (Lisa) Yeah?
- You saw Chet? - Yes, I did.
- (Wyatt) Are you responsible? - Yes, I am.
Lisa, we can't have him like that.
It would ruin Christmas.
He's going to be fine in half an hour. He's not going to spoil Christmas.
He's not going to bug you any more either.
- Lisa, we have to talk with you. - What's on your mind?
I really don't know how to say this to you.
You guys found girlfriends, right?
You fell in love with the two girls and they fell in love with you.
- That's all I ever wanted for you. - You're not hurt?
Yeah, sure I'm hurt.
But I wouldn't change it.
I'm just getting off seeing you two guys straightened out.
(Sighs)
I have to go.
(Lisa) I've had a wonderful time.
Lisa.
Bye.
(Low rumble)
(Whooshing)
(Hollers) Boys. We're home.
Hi, Mr Donnelly. How are you?
- Dad, hi. - No, no.
(Woman) So, what did you guys do this weekend?
- Not much. - Just hung around the house.
Dad had this crazy notion you might throw a party
or do something nutty.
- Not us. - Not here. No way.
(Bell rings)
(lndistinct chatter)
(Whistle blows)
(# BILL CONTl: "Theme From Rocky")
OK. Drop and give me 20.
(# OINGO BOINGO: "Weird Science")
# She's alive!
# Alive! Weird science
# Weird science
# Plastic tubes and pots and pans
# Bits and pieces And magic from the hand
# We're makin' Weird science! Ooh!
# Plastic tubes and pots and pans
# Bits and pieces And bits and pieces
# And bits of My creation!
# Is it real?
# It's my creation Ooh! My creation
# It's my creation
# Weird science
# Weird
# Ooh!
# Weird science Ooh!
# Magic and technology
# Voodoo dolls and chants Electricity
# We're makin' Weird science!
# Fantasy and microchips
# Bits and pieces And bits and pieces
# And bits of My creation!
# Is it real?
# It's my creation!
# I do not know
# No hesitation
# No heart of gold
# Just flesh and blood
# I do not know I do not know
# From my heart and from my hand
# Why don't people understand
# My intentions
# Ooh ooh ooh! Weird science! Ooh!
# Ooh!
# Weird science
# Magic and technology
# Voodoo dolls and chants
# Weird science
# Things I've never seen before
# Behind bolted doors
# Whoa whoa ooh! Weird science! Ooh!
# Weird
# Weird science
Ooh!
# Whoa whoa ooh!
# Bits and pieces Bits and pieces
# Bits and pieces of Weird science
# Bits and pieces
# It's my creation!
# Is it real?
# It's my creation!
# I do not know Ooh!
# No hesitation
# Is it real?
# Just flesh and blood
Just flesh and blood
# Weird science Weird science
# Weird weird weird Weird science... #